May 31st, 2010: Munchflower Zaius

When I’m not with you I am not okay. When I can’t feel you I am not all right.

I am made a pain-doll by want of you, a self-made voodoo poppet of soul shreds and scars.
Filled with carefully numbered and organized anxiety pins waiting for your rough hands to pull them from their stinging skin-hole.

I am soul-sick without you. I am empty parking lots. I am flowers pulled from their roots and stuck back in the ground.

I am blood-branded and I miss the marks you leave.

I suffocate myself with your leftover smell.
I burn myself with your image and I crucify myself in a mannequin mess of legs with your memory.

I scatter my fingers across roadsides, leave my veins in supermarkets. I blow smoke signals igniting midnight sky out my back door and I string my nerves over electrical miles that you might find and follow them with those same rough hands back to me.

I bear witness to every horrific pause you take in the pit of the night. I seek out the air you’ve exhaled with every breath in.
I write down secret names for you on the back of my knees and I
hide them
under pants and skirts and skin to protect you from them.
I carry your weight in the pit of my stomach and when my intestines twist
I take comfort in indigestion.

When I tread this barefoot razor wire path, you walk alongside me, holding my hand until I’m ready to come down.
When my feet bleed, you carry me.

The torn edges of your soul are the threads that hold mine together. I sew you into my skin every day, and I wear your scars with unflinching fucking pride.

You have shown me what it means to feel truly safe and whole, and for that I hate you, for that I love you, and for that I am irrevocably yours.

I love you.

I miss you.



Munchflower Zaius is a 33-year-old real life female who has a bad addiction to silly flash games. She has been a resident since January of 2004. She opened Nomine before it was Nomine around that same time and has been dutifully running it ever since. She doesn’t like talking about herself in the least, and isn’t quite sure why she signed up for this thing in the first place. She drinks way too much coffee and spends her days quietly slaving away over textures in Photoshop, taking care of her two kids and not herself.


2 Responses to “May 31st, 2010: Munchflower Zaius”

  1. apatia Says:

    i don’t want you to know that your writing made me burst into tears, but at the same time i really do want you to know. it is a special thing to move veritable strangers with your words.

  2. horribaubles Says:

    I am really glad you decided to do this. <3×100.

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