June 13th, 2010: SarahBear18 GossipGirl

Today I rolled out of bed, feeling the way I do every morning: slightly depressed and a bit cranky. Then a thought pops into my head: It’s been 5 months since I last intentionally hurt myself. But let me back up a bit.

I joined Second Life through the CW’s website in the hopes that I could live the life of the Upper East Siders on Gossip Girl, a world of high fashion, glamour, and a little drama. In some ways I was right; in others… boy was I wrong.

I’ve been through love and loss, good times and bad times. It feels like the bad times have outweighed the good; that the love I’ve experienced has caused the loss. Recently I was in a relationship that caused me to get so caught up in it that I would blame everything wrong on myself and lock myself in my room with my razor, you can probably guess the rest from there. The point at which I hit rock bottom was on January 13th. It was a particularly bad day (can’t remember why), and I had once again locked myself in my room with my razor. An hour and a half later, I nearly passed out, and it hit me how selfish I was being; for one thing that day happened to be my mother’s birthday.

I wish I could say I don’t want to cut myself anymore. I wish I could say I’m happy all the time. But if I said that, it’d be a lie. There are times when I still want to do it. On those occasions I have to tell myself “I’m better than that” over and over. Surprisingly it works. That little saying gives me that last bit of willpower I need to not do it.

Second Life has been a good thing and a bad thing for me. Bad because of some of the decisions it’s caused me to make; good because of the people I’ve met. For one, Adelayda GossipGirl; I seriously doubt I’d still be here today if it wasn’t for her. She’s a true friend, something I’ve really needed through these bad times.

____________________

SarahBear18 GossipGirl was born and raised in Texas. She has 8 siblings and 2 loving parents. She has 2 blogs, one with her best friend Adelayda GossipGirl and one separate one for her writing. She can’t live without music or her Internet connection. She has a store in SL with Adelayda and is hoping to be a big success.

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2 Responses to “June 13th, 2010: SarahBear18 GossipGirl”

  1. cyclicgearz Says:

    You’re not alone, cutting is like an addiction, even if you quit cutting, you still feel like you want to sometimes, when it gets hard. It takes all of our positivity and self belief to not regress back to that phase. If you need an ear of someone who has been there too – feel free to IM me inworld.

  2. November 2nd, 2010: SarahBear18 GossipGirl « Two Three Six Five Says:

    […] SarahBear18’s previous post was on June 13th, 2010. […]

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