June 27th, 2010: Summer Deadlight

I converted to the online world many years ago.  I found myself much happier to be in front of the computer than to be in front of people.  This is a common concept for many people.  I wondered over the years if this is my fear of others, insecurities about myself, or whether the concept of who I am is better expressed in a place where I’m looked at for my personality, thoughts and emotions without the prejudices of that physical judgment.  Whatever the reason, fifteen years later I have realized that I have lost fifteen years that I can never reclaim.  Do I regret being a digital girl? Not one minute.  What I regret is that my choice of one experience has left me wondering what the other experience could have been.

I recently returned to school in a serious nature.  I have declared a major in Human Services and I am taking courses to become a Licensed Addiction Counselor.  I have a personal history filled with stories of alcohol, drug, food, sex, smoking addictions and I can add internet to that list. 12 Step anyone?  I took a big step back these last few months because I realized that real life had passed me by and I began to wonder about the things that go on there.  People who hang out together, have dinner, laugh, family get-together’s, Holidays, dates, first kisses, going on vacation, going to a club, laying on a blanket in the park, reading books, calling friends, having favorite television shows, and other activities that seem foreign to me.

I have done these things somewhat, just in the world of 0’s and 1’s; binary me.  Does that count? Is it too late to feel truly human? I have found love, companionship, friendship, community, emotions, and bonds with online people, people I don’t see or touch, much more fulfilling than walking outside my door.  I tried real life recently, I made tentative friends, watched TV, read some books, had coffee and dinner out; it was like a vacation.  I find myself back home now, Digital Girl, Digital World.  Today, June 27, this is me.  This is who I am; and it’s wonderful.

____________________

Summer Deadlight is a virtual Model, online DJ, Writer, Poet, Mentor, and Founder of Runway Kidz in SL, sometimes photographer, sometimes blogger, who lives on the Second Life grid and in Azeroth- Horde4Life kthx.  She has been partnered with Tiago Morales for 18 months online, and they hope to try that real life world together someday.  Real life she is a non-traditional student, works at a call center,  lives with her two cats Trixie and Winky, loves 80s and 90s era of music and is a registered tribal member of the Prairie Band Potawatomi.  Her worlds are blended with a preference for the digitized version of herself.  [Matrix Brushes used in photo by http://peristrophe.deviantart.com/%5D

____________________

Hallie Galli

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5 Responses to “June 27th, 2010: Summer Deadlight”

  1. Winter Says:

    So very well written and honest, Sumz. I’m proud of you Pink Cat.

    I love you no matter which world you are in!

  2. Thorgal Says:

    well written and beautyful blog. Very impressive.

  3. elusyve Says:

    Beautiful..inside and out *hugs*

  4. Mainit Says:

    Beautifully written sis..
    love you so much
    your lil bro *hugs*

  5. Oscar Page Says:

    Very well written and I often feel the same way. Although if you’re like the kid that jumped off of the school to get away from the agents, I better see you in one of those mech warrior-esque machines shooting down Sentinels for your next DJ event. :-P

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