I am currently having a battle between lives.
The fact that I have no money to put into my Second Life has affected my want to log on. And it seems I am forgetting everything Second Life related; my hosting job, rezz/birthdays, this exact blog submission. My “Second Mind” is just not there.
The past year has been responsibility central. I pass out the finances to all of the family bills including making sure my two younger sisters stay housed and fed. I make sure my mom gets to her appointments, and cover her in work if she is too sick. I run two, practically three, households and attempt to keep mine and my mom’s two separate businesses afloat.
A year ago I moved back in with my mom, who was diagnosed with cervical cancer. As of a month ago her chemotherapy and radiation treatments finished, and we are awaiting the Doctor’s alternative to the hysterectomy my mother has been wanting since she first heard the word ‘cancer’.
Often times I just sit and wonder how did it end up that at age 23, I am responsible for so much. And when was I able to be a kid. I’ve only been a kid or a teenager in number only. If I let loose something might happen. I might disappoint someone.
I don’t know where this fear originates. I really have never done anything disappointing. Sometimes I wish I had done disappointing things, just so the expectations wouldn’t be as high. But at the same time it makes my stomach hurt to think I could be wrong about something.
I am a perfectionist.
At least in my real life. In Second Life, people are frustrated with me. I know it. I feel like I use the same excuses over and over when I miss things. I feel bad, but at the same time I don’t. These are my lives. Both parts are equally as real, I just value one more.
When I stopped giving money to Second Life, I dedicated both of my lives to family and responsibility. And I don’t know if I want either.
Kelly Xaris is currently living in Northern California with her two dogs and her strong, cancer-fighting mother. She has two degrees from the University of Southern California, one in psychology and one in math, even though she neither wants to counsel or count numbers. In Second Life lives with her two plastic lawn flamingos, pet lamb in her SL mom’s attic.