August 16th, 2010: Liliana Barrs

My day started early today, at least what I call early when having holidays: 9 am. I had to go to the vet with one of my kitties. Nothing serious though, at least not yet, we can’t tell from today. When going back to the car with my cat in a box, right in front of a coffee shop a man watched me. I felt awkward and judged. Yes, I am a single girl with cats and a dog. And god yes, I am wearing glasses and I sure am a geek.

Some days I feel pretty, to be honest I feel pretty quite a lot. But I can’t show it. I resist showing it because I fear the judgement based on some single facts. Sure, I won’t ever leave the house without being dressed, without makeup, without checking myself like one hundred times in my big mirror. But being outside I am the shy girl who feels fat, nerdy and got trashed by her fiancé not long ago.

With all those thoughts in mind, how am I supposed to act like an adult? A woman with needs, hopes and feelings? I haven’t even reached the mid-twenties and nevertheless there is this big cloud of fear above my head following me everywhere. Will I meet my one? Will it be hard not comparing him with my ex? Will I get the marriage I ever wanted? What about kids? I don’t want to be an old mom.

I’m sure that sounds weird in all your heads, and at the end it is. But that’s how I feel. I’m afraid of rejecting a better life, rejecting my future because I am not able to show what is waiting deep inside of me. That shyness, reservation and even coldness are just a shell I use to sit in for my own protection. But it won’t help after all, will it? Because sometimes ‘being protected’ ends in ‘being a bird in a gilded cage’.

But am I ready to fly?

____________________

Liliana Barrs who likes to call herself Lilie rather than her full name, is a 23-year-old with German language and literature as her major and a soon-to-be aunt for the first time. Blogging for http://undefinedthingies.blogspot.com is her main love and life in SecondLife.

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3 Responses to “August 16th, 2010: Liliana Barrs”

  1. AlexHayden Junibalya Says:

    Sorry, going to go a bit ‘Dr Phil’ on you.

    It doesn’t sound weird to me. It sounds like an attractive young woman whose confidence in herself has been so badly eroded and who has surpressed her feelings and emotions for fear of being hurt again.
    Obviously I don’t know what happened between you and your fiance, but I can take a guess by what you have said. So my advice? Take a good long look in the mirror at yourself and be proud of who you are and what you have achieved so far in your life. And realise, as harsh as it sounds, that you have probably had a lucky escape…

    When you know all of that, then you’ll do more than fly.

    You’ll soar.

  2. Nina Fessbeinder Says:

    it is not weird at all…it is normal.
    i’ve been partned to a guy for many years and when we broke i felt horrible, i went into a deep depression which is still being cured after 2 years! i know how you feel about being observed by other guys and also how you feel about your doubts and fears, it is very tough.
    All you need is to give yourself some time to get used to this new situation, don’t pressure yourself and try to not think to much about that otherwise you will end up doing hardcore therapy O.o
    The only thing i can say is (and you will see how cliche it is) you had the luck that you didnt marry him, it could be worse! dont feel like he trashed you! you feel that way now, but then you will see it was better than stay with someone who didnt loved you for real, you deserve more!

  3. Liliana Barrs Says:

    Thank you for your kind words, Alex. And no, I don’t think any of them sound harsh. I’m thankful for every support I get, thank you.

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