October 4th, 2010: IsabellaGrace Baroque

Today I threw myself a pity party. I got only 4 hours of sleep collectively last night. My son came into our room 3 times to either go to the bathroom or just say he was done resting at 2 a.m. It turns out the poor guy and his sister both had ear infections. After spending almost 3 hours in the doctor’s office, most of the time in the waiting room, the kids lost it. My 19 month old daughter was 2 hours overdue for a nap. For my 4 year old son, running out of Goldfish turned out to be the end of the world. Then, after 45 more minutes at the pharmacy and several judgmental stares, we went home.

After putting them down for a nap, I let the cycle of guilt begin. I started thinking about how exhausted I was, and  got caught up in how stressful some days as a mom can be. Then I blame myself for being a failure because I didn’t bring more to entertain them today. Soon enough I am whining to myself about how different my life is now from how it used to be. I have a B.A. in Music that I never use and miss so much. I see how people look at you and just label you “mom” with no further identity. Sometimes it’s easy to lose yourself in this new identity, because God forbid we mom’s think about ourselves. More guilt followed for indulging in my pity party.

Then the kids wake up, and are feeling better! I looked at their smiling, beautiful faces and realized all over again that if I could trade where I am to be a professional opera singer, or voice teacher, or music therapist, or any other things I thought I would be doing, I couldn’t. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else getting to spend these crazy moments with them and I know I am where I’m suppose to be. I can’t tie it up in a pretty little bow and say I have a plan, but I know it will all work out and I’ll find the balance.

____________________

IsabellaGrace Baroque is a 29 year old living in the Pacific Northwest, USA with her husband and two kids; an almost 4 year old boy and 19 month old girl. Bella, as known to her friends, is a pose maker and owns the shop Olive Juice in world. She’s a stay-at-home mom, and when not busy with the 2 kids, is reading or working in Second Life. SL has become an fantastic creative outlet that is challenging and fun, with some of the most amazing people you could meet in any reality. She has a degree in Music- Vocal Performance, was in the Army Reserve for almost 9 years and has lived in 5 states.

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4 Responses to “October 4th, 2010: IsabellaGrace Baroque”

  1. Ruina Kessel Says:

    This is a beautiful post! I really love reading about people acknowledging their moments of stress, their moments of weakness, their moments of just utter craptacular days … and then finding the thing that keeps them going. I really think it’s true that it’s important for people to write about their experiences and share them with the rest of the world, because there will always be someone out there who will feel less alone, less misunderstood, and maybe even inspired.

    It’s true, women with children get the ‘mom’ label and are then seen in an utterly 2-dimensional way. Sometimes moms almost don’t have the *time* to be anything else but a mom, but I’ve found myself that, given enough opportunity, the person who happens to be a mom can show their other colors too. I’m not a mother, but I now have an adult relationship with my mom, and I think she is one of the most interesting people I know.

    And ya know, your kids are young yet. There will come a point when blending your passion for music with being a mom won’t seem so impossible. I bet you’d make a fantastic music teacher :D

  2. Adorkable Peapod Says:

    This brought tears to my eyes for so many reasons. I understand exactly where you’re coming from with every word…the exhaustion, frustration, guilt, sacrifice and realization that through it all, you are living an absolute dream of being a wonderful mother to your two beautiful children. I consider myself so fortunate to have you as a friend, to have heard your beautiful voice in song and to listen to you talk about your pride and joy, your babies. You are one of those rare gems, Bella and I love you to pieces!

  3. A 2/365 Entry « Olive Juice Says:

    […] Find it here […]

  4. Beulah Mills Says:

    You know I think the world of you for so many reasons, some are shown in this post. You are humble, kind and honest.Thank you for sharing.

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