November 15th, 2010: Silver Milneaux – Cont’d

Breathe.

It’s been an exhausting two weeks since my birthday, which I didn’t celebrate because I just felt so low. I was crying every day, because I’m a fool who cannot finish my work, cannot deal with pressure, cannot produce work that’s decent. I kept thinking about ways to end my life, and it terrifies me. Somehow I feel like I’ve been jumping hurdles for the past six months. In the last two weeks, I smashed my face into the ground, and I cannot get up again.

Today was probably the lowest point. I censor myself on plurk all the time. I cut out the thoughts of when I’m desperately unhappy, because I know that it’s incredibly stupid to be unhappy, weak to just give up. But sometimes it’s so bad that it just comes out. When I’m low it feels like I am drowning in the dark.

I really wanted my continued 2365 to be happy. This is so sad.

I just moved into a beautiful island sim with my best friends on SL. It’s a bit expensive, but thinking about it gets me through the day. Even when I’m not online, I think about my amazing (albeit costly) home with wonderful people and this makes me happy, just knowing that it’s there waiting for me when I can log on. School will break for a while in a few weeks’ time, so I can play a little more then. I miss SL so much, but I also think I’ve managed to strike the perfect balance of both lives.

The dress I’m wearing was way too small for me, a “free-size” that means “hi, you do not fit into your country’s average size”. But I added lace sleeves and the laced part at the back so I could actually wear it. This just feels like a tiny miracle, though it would be even more of a miracle if I were tiny. I cut off all my hair and I tried to
love myself more since my last post. I have spots on my back but I still want to think that it doesn’t matter. I am so lost, but I just want to breathe.

____________________

Silver Milneaux is trying so hard to be happy, and hopefully succeeding. She just turned 23, still loves blogging in SL, and has been inspired by SL to create lookbooks in RL, too. Clothes in both lives make her happy.

Silver’s previous post was on June 15th, 2010.

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9 Responses to “November 15th, 2010: Silver Milneaux – Cont’d”

  1. Ashe Anthony Says:

    Aw Silver, you are awesome, strong and stylish. I am glad to be considered a friend of yours.
    You will get through this, even though it is rough right now.
    The outcome would be worth more most things.

    I feel the same way about the gorgeous island and I am glad that we are neighbors there too.

    You have even inspired me in so many ways by just being you <3
    Just keep being you and you will overcome.

  2. Winter Says:

    If it’s any help, I think you look a wonderful shape in that picture. They must be extra tiny in Singapore, because where I live you would be getting appreciative whistles in the street. Honestly.

    Please, please don’t end your life. You never know what is lying around the corner. Always remember “This Too Will Pass.” There’s a special service called Touchline specially for your age group in Singapore, the number is 1800 377 2252. You also have The Samaritans on 1800 221 4444. Please ring them when you feel this way Silver. From experience I know that one day things will be much better for you and you will look back on these dark days and know that you’ve learnt from them.

  3. royal*milk*tea Says:

    hey silver:)
    we all have our ups and downs in our lives, and i know that you can pull through, and that you will. if you’re not willing to talk to anyone about this, then i hope that you will find happiness by confiding with yourself.:) clear your doubts, and know that good things will come. it doesn’t always have to be this way.

    maybe you don’t feel like being comforted? i think probably lots of people have tried to comfort you. it’s frustrating, because they don’t actually know how you feel? even though they might say they do. is that your dog lying down at the far end of the garden in this pic? he’s cute<3 i love your house XD

    i think you look great with short hair. i'm thinking of cutting mine too! XD and i spy your bowler hat! woohoo. just think of all the good things in life. you're not fat, don't bullshit me with all that crap. ooh now i know how your house looks like, i'm gonna stalk you~ steal your shoes! i want your shoes!

    val<3

    happy birthday, girl. if you gimme your address, i will [stalk you] and send you a shopping voucher. for clothes! CLOTHES!!!

  4. Anastasia Trefusis Says:

    You are gorgeous, and stylish and way more importantly you are a wonderful person. I just sent you a private plurk. If you ever ever need to talk or vent you know where I am. I will give you my cell # and you can text me. Or for sure look at speaking with one of the groups Winter has mentioned. Or there may be counsellors available at your school.

    You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you, these times are hard, but there is help out there.

    We love you Silver.

  5. AshleePSU Snoodle Says:

    You are a beautiful person. You always have been. I’m sorry we don’t get to talk much these days, but I absolutely adore you!

    p.s. I broke into your sl house yesterday, ran around naked, and played on your pool table. That’s what neighbors are for! And, you are one of the most awesome neighbors ever!

  6. Persey Says:

    One day you will look back, and know all of this made you stronger. Don’t ever give up. Bigger things are coming for you. I can feel it. Because you work so hard, and because you are so passionate. *hugs*

  7. Adie Msarko Says:

    Silver,
    You are such an amazing, special, talented, beautiful person inside and out!! I’m so lucky to call you a friend and neighbor on our beautiful island!! Always know, there will be tough times in your life but things do get better! I promise!! If you EVER want to talk or vent or need advice I’m here to listen. I have found that my early 20’s were some of the toughest times of life that I’ve lived and things always get better :) Love you Silver!!!
    xoxo
    Adie

  8. silver milneaux Says:

    i hug all of youuu! love you ds/stax! xD ashlee you house invader D:

    A part of me knows very well that it’s very much irrational to feel this way, and of course that suicide is an awful waste of life/of my parents’ hard-earned money in bringing me up and stuff, but I’m also just afraid that I’ll give up on myself when things seem really pointless/hopeless.

    Winter, I think different cultures might have differing situations, but I’ve had a lot of guys make kinda hurtful comments and stuff on many occasions, so I don’t think that I’m exaggerating/imagining it. I just kinda try not to let it faze me though!

    I saved those numbers in my phone, I’ll keep them in mind.. although haha I usually don’t feel like talking to anyone, I just wanna hide. Thank you for searching them out for me. I know things will be better, because the last time this happened, things did get better. And then eventually they got worse again. So it feels as though it’s a cycle that I’ll never be able to get away from. I always think that I’ve learned, but it keeps kind of coming back. Thank you all for your concern, it’s appreciated beyond words <3 and I kinda feel dumb and stuff, but yeah!

  9. Kilo Says:

    I just met you, but I can tell you’re a fun person to be around. I cannot wait to get to know you better. You’re strong and you’re beautiful, keep your head up. I’m here if you ever need someone, I understand those exact thoughts as I’ve been there. Ily and I’m excited to be friends with you -big hugs-.

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