January 8th, 2011: Apatia Hammerer

Today, Jan 8th I want you to know that I fucking love you. I love you even if I haven’t tried to awkwardly hug you in real life yet. Not because I’d want to hug you but because that’s what people do when they meet someone they share commonalities with or general good will. People hug. I’d hug you. You have no idea how much I admire your patience and sense of humor and coping skills with everything that people and this horrible life have slapped you in the face with. So much in our lives is unfair, so much of it is like walking uphill barefoot but that hill is made of sticky vomit and there are tiny men throwing axes at us while we try not to fall down, up that hill. Thank you for not holding it against me when I send you a message that is literally two pages of swear words and incoherent, poorly punctuated filth. Thank you for always letting me get it out of my system.

Thank you for being online when I can’t sleep because I want to die but I can’t and I need you to tell me that so that I don’t. I cannot express how grateful I am to you. I cannot express the insecurity that I might not have always been as good a friend to you as you needed. I have tried my best and I won’t stop trying. I’m sorry that we don’t talk as often as we used to. I’m sorry that we’re never online at the same time anymore. I have never stopped thinking about you. People come in and out of our lives but it doesn’t erase any of how much of your heart they hold if they’re meant to. I still brag about those hour and hours of YouTube videos we watched together on voice.  I still remember the very first conversation I had with you. I remember your maiden name and dog’s names and have forgotten all your children’s birthdays and that you’re allergic to fish. I know you. Even if I can’t remember what color your hair is.

I fucking love you. Always will.


Apatia Hammerer is a 29 year old single mom to arguably the most amazing child in the world. They live together in a little brown house with inarguably the most neurotic dog in at least their own neighborhood. Possibly the world. She is always late for everything if she’s not too early for it and a perpetual apologizer for *everything*. Apatia also over uses the asterisk as an emphasizing article. Apatia is also incredibly bad at sticking to word count requirements and this post would have made more sense if she had not edited out the 494 other words. Sorry. As it is, she just wrote this as an open letter to the people she doesn’t get to say these things enough to.




5 Responses to “January 8th, 2011: Apatia Hammerer”

  1. Stacie Pryor Says:

    This is beautiful. *hugs you awkwardly* <3

  2. Thema Says:

    That’s real friendship.

  3. Teena Says:

    Awesome post. I don’t think any of us say these things often enough. *hugs*

  4. Hallie Galli Says:

    and this is why I love your brain…and why I leave sweatshirts at your house. <3

  5. Starfire "Star" Silverstar Says:

    /me runs over to you and gives you a big hug
    Awesome!! (girlkiss)

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